There are triggers in life. Triggers for everything - events, emotions, reactions, thoughts. Some good, some not so good. You start out life as a single entity and have to figure out how to interact with everything else. So we go through with ups and downs and all the way through it we're always asked "what do you want to do with your life?" and "What do you want to be when you grow up?" It starts at the onset. From point one I was socially unacceptable. Not a concept small kids have really, all I knew then was I was the target - constant, total, perfect target. Moving on through with nothing and no one always asked "What do you want to be?" "Where Ar you going?" "Why can't you be.." Everyone gets that constant barrage of that subtle push to conform, comply and choose a path. What are you? What am I? Who am I? What am I good at? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? You want to be successful don't you?
At nineteen you can see the edges start to crack, no one and nothing from my past to hold a fading picture in place. A picture painted with false ambitions and unwanted desires. The sky cracks
I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING
I start over with only strings holding together an image that's fading fast. Rebuilding takes a long time, or a short time once a full life span is taken into account. It's still a long time measured in years and years. Edges are sharp as pieces fall away, frame shattered, glass lying about to cut the remaining emotions on. You have to start over now and decide what you are. Or that's the way it's supposed to go so they tell me - find yourself with a spiritual/physical/mental journey of the heart/body/mind. I decided what I was not to build my foundations on. I am not the best, I am not a rock star, I am not rich, I am not the most athletic, I am not an artists, I am not fast, I am not strong, I am not good at drawing, I am not fantasically good looking, I am not a movie star, I am not an action figure, I am not ambitious, I am not apathetic, I am not overly emotional, I am not a computer programmer, I am not a cook, I am not the most liked, I am not passive, I am not complacent. I Am Not. I am nothing.
And I start over. And the edges are still sharp, the core still broken. Images, sounds, pieces falling in to places. Not always the right places. And I start over. I dislike my childhood, a lot. Most of it. And the strings still carry me back to it all the time, back to lost amibitions and back to false desires. Holding together a fading picture that's cracked through.
When my father died another string was cut and I lost something. I broke inside and I feel like I'm walking through someone elses feelings as I make my way through life. There's less of a link to what I was, and oddly enough less holding me back. Or it feels like less holding me back. The same effect either way.
Sometimes life hurts so much I have a very real pain in my heart. Sometimes I can't focus on anything in front of me no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I can't find the reason I keep using to keep going. There are words I want to say to people but am afraid to. Sometimes I collapse inside and just fall down. Sometimes I just stand up and pretend nothing is wrong, and it's written all over my face. Mostly I just don't know what to do anymore. I still don't want to be anything, I just want to be. Why choose ghost as a handle. Because even when I chose several years back I felt I was fading from things. Everything was getting farther away. A few people have come sharply into focus and those are the people I love the most - they fit perfectly.
|CD Colletion:||808 State "Gorgeous" & "Thermal Kings"|
Beastie Boys "Some Old Bullshit"
Concrete Blonde "Concrete Blonde y Los Illegals"
Sheryl Crow "Sheryl Crow"
Crystal Method "Vegas"
Husker Dü "The Living End"
Mari Iijima "Lorna Doone" & "Right Now"
Sarah Mclachlan "Drawn To The Rhythm"
Moby "Animal Rights"
Scorpions "Best Of"
ZZ Top "One Foot In The Blues
OK, finally got all the CDs sitting around into the database. Fifteen new ones. Well, Fourteen, but I got both versions of Disturbed's new one.
In other news not a whole lot it going on. I'm trying to finish the second Anthology, by that I mean I'm trying to put all the stories together in one manuscript for the printing. I'm also attending Mile Hi Con this weekend, where I run a few games, play a lot more and sleep almost none. It's easier to do than Nan Desu Kan because all I do for Mile Hi is run a few games - nothing else. Easy.
In order to get Sunday off I have to work next Tuesday - so I might not have an update then. Maybe I should just move to an every other week schedule because that's what seems to be happening.
I've also got to get down some stories for my friend Dave, he wants some stuff to make a kind of online 'zine thing for... Wants to put images, sounds and stories all together. I've got some ideas for it, but will have to wait for next week before I throw down some more words.
And right now ... I'm outta here to go to dinner with friends. Keep it real people.
Oh yeah, maybe I should let ya'll know that my mental condition is just fine now. Really.