First Most Holy Church Of Plastic

(Saint Alphonse of Djerbouti parish)

fig. 1 Sacred Jesus of the Plastic Sacrament


Holy Writings of the Church

In the beginning, there was Plastic. The gods worshipped this mystical substance day and night in their great hall in the heavens, Cleveland. All was good and all was great until Sodium Benzoate, the god of juggling and flatulence, became jealous of the place Plastic held in the gods' lives. He stole all of the Plastic and distributed it throughout the heavens in a random pattern. Sodium Benzoate was captured by the other gods, and forced to bathe in a the Great Tang Pool of Hoboken for all eternity. The gods collected all of the plastic that they could from the heavens and replaced it with giants flaming balls of gas (So as to convince Hamster that his evil Plastic ploy had worked). Still, the gods were not satisfied and wanted more Plastic. Murray, the god of all that begins with the letter R, came up with a brilliant scheme.

fig. 2 Murray and his Spaceship visit Earth to teach about plastic.

Murray created something that had not yet been created before... The Earth. The Earth was a fairly good creation, it had free flowing water, animals on land and in the air, beautiful green forests, Detroit, and many other natural wonders. yet the Earth lacked one thing... Plastic. Plastic was only an idea on Earth then, but it was a good one. The gods wanted the Earth to produce Plastic more than anything else.

Murray went to work one day and made a very special breed of monkey to make the plastic. In time, this breed of monkey was trained enough so that the manufacture of plastic could take place. Many other synthetic substances were produced, but the gods wanted only the most beautiful, most divine, PLASTIC! In all colors and shapes was plastic produced, in many scents and various flavors. The special monkeys ritually made this plastic, and then sacrificed it to the gods by throwing it into large open pits with other pieces of plastic and random shards of divine material. The Earth was happy with this and kept the plastic around so that the special monkey priests could unearth it from time to time. The special monkeys built many things out of plastic and dreamed of the day when the Earth would be full of glorious plastic and Murray could save all who believed in it.

fig. 3 Mary of the Plastic Shroud, Savior of those who believe in rayon and plastic shoes

However, a dark force was growing... a group who claimed to speak for the Earth said that it didn't like the plastic. Many plastic temples were burned and destroyed. A new, evil type of plastic was made that fell apart within the Earth. This angered Murray and he banished all those who lived without plastic to a meaningless and weak existence. The plastic priests and those who still believe in it were forced into hiding. The anti-plastic people, known to all those who revere plastic as "Granola", soon took control of many countries. Industry crumbled under the strong hand of the Earth. People fled and panicked as Murray struck back at the Granola for robbing him of his precious plastic and toxins. However, now the Plastic Priests are ready to emerge again, to vanquish the Granola and restore plastic to its former glory. Murray must have plastic if we all want to live again! Buy Plastic! Throw it away! Find Salvation!



Saints of the Church of Plastic


Founder of Church of Plastic: John W Hyatt
Patron Saint of Parkesine: Alexander Parkes
Patron Saint of Xylonite: Daniel Spill
Patron Saint of Rayon: Hilaire Chardonnet
Patron Saint of Cellophane: Jacques E. Brandenberger
Patron Saint of Bakelite: Leo H. Baekland
Patron Saint of Molding: Richard W. Seabury
Patron Saint of Polystyrene: Dow Chemical Company


Contact the Church of Plastic:
It's Free to Join!

PLASTIC c/o Homeboy Software
601 16th St. #C-240
Golden, CO 8040